Someone's Rooting for the Captain
by AuthenticAussie
Summary: In which Zoro is oblivious, Luffy gets jealous, Mihawk knows exactly what he wants but is really stupid about how to get it, Sanji, Usopp, and Nami are all potentially traumatized, Franky is exceptionally confused, Brook is more focused on the swordfight, Chopper is just hiding from the guy who smells like blood, and Robin is really the only person who knows what's going on. CRACK


**AN: whispers please remember to imagine Mihawk's voice saying all of this stuff because it has made me cry in pure horror/amusement and I wish to also give you that joy**

**ALSO PLEASE DON'T TAKE THIS WITH ANY SORT OF SERIOUSNESS I'M NOT KIDDING WHEN I SAY THIS IS REALLY QUITE CRACKY AND I HAD NO IDEA WHAT I WAS DOING FOR THIS REQUEST VE SORRY.**

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><p>The sun was bright above the Thousand Sunny; the weather near on perfect, if arguably a bit hot. Zoro had long since shed his haramki as he practised on the lawn, and even Sanji had loosened his tie and shed his black dress jacket.<p>

The wind was calm, with Nami barely needing to check the log pose to adjust their course, and the sea glittered like someone had sprinkled the waves with gems; all in all, it was shaping up to be a very calm, non-eventful day.

"THERE'S A GUY WITH A GIANT SWORD SAILING TOWARDS US!" Usopp screeched, half-falling from the crow's nest as he leaned over the railing

Zoro almost immediately snapped up, much like a Labrador when called, or with the scent of fresh meat. "Mihawk," he said, and took the stairs two at a time to reach the bow and stare in the direction Usopp had been looking.

Sure enough, on the sea in front of them, Mihawk was currently sailing rather languidly in their direction.

"Luffy," Zoro growled, making their captain shift and pull his hat down from his eyes, sitting up, "Why didn't you notice Mihawk was coming _over here?!_"

"_EH_?" Luffy questioned, whipping his head around to stare at the tiny boat Mihawk was sailing on. "Wass' he doing here?"

("We're going _to dieeeee,_" Usopp wailed from the crow's nest, and Nami draped herself over her trees, quietly sobbing.)

"I don't know, how about we _ask._"

"I thought you wanted to fight him?"

"I _do_!"

("_SANJIIIII,_" Usopp cried loudly, scurrying down the mast and practically leaping to hide near Nami, "_DOOO SOMETHIIINGG._")

Mihawk came within shouting distance of the Thousand Sunny, but instead of saying anything, instead took the liberty of jumping from his boat to their own, landing elegantly and making Luffy twist his head around to see the titled 'Greatest Swordsman in the World.' (Luffy's swordsman was the best in the world, he was just waiting to see Zoro finally kick this guy's ass.)

Zoro immediately drew his sword and glared.

(Nami sunk to her knees and began peeling tangerines, giving the occasional quiet mumble as she attempted to eat them all in one sitting.)

"You must be from Tennasse, because you're the only ten I see."

"The fuck is Tennasse?" Zoro asked, brow furrowed. Franky, who'd emerged from below decks with Robin and Brook to investigate the loud screeches, froze and stared in a badly-disguised surprise at Mihawk.

Nami was pretty sure the three of them had question marks popping up above their heads.

Mihawk's tone was still completely calm and measured as he side-stepped Zoro's first swing, not even bothering to draw his sword; "I can solemnly assure you all that I am not drunk," (was it just her imagination, or did he cast a pointed glance at Zoro?) "Only intoxicated by you."

Sanji, stepping from the kitchen and drying his hands on a towel, froze in absolute horror to see the current scene of commotion on deck. "Whatthefuck is going on," he questioned, words sliding together in his rush, and glanced around, only to see looks of confusion (and fear) on nearly everyone's faces. (The only exception being Zoro, who looked to be concentrating fiercely, Mihawk, who seemed rather bored, and Luffy, who was pumping his fists up and down and looked like he was three seconds away from becoming Zoro's personal cheer squad.)

"Is there a mirror in your pocket? Because I can see myself possessing your pants."

Sanji choked, went a funny shade of vermillion, and proceeded to huddle by the door, face aghast. ("Is he- someone's hitting on-? _Zoro?_" Robin could hear him mumble occasionally in horror.)

"Usopp," Nami started carefully, watching Mihawk calmly walk around the deck, dodging Zoro's mad sword swings, "What's- what's going on?"

"Please please correct me," Usopp mumbled, slowly shrinking down even further behind the trees, "But I think…he's…flirting?"

Nami choked on her own spit. "He's doing _WHAT NOW?_"

"_Who's _flirting?" Luffy cried, snapping his head from the fight to stare at the two of them, and Nami cast an utterly befuddled look at Usopp, who seemed to share her confusion. How did their never seem to hear _any _sort of plans, and yet could hear when she even _whispered _about meat or anything to do with Zoro?

"Robin," Franky asked, scratching his nose and staring as Luffy turned his attention to Zoro and Mihawk's not-really-a-fight-fight, glaring quite angrily at Mihawk's back, "Why does Luffy look like he wants to hurt someone?"

"Well." Robin said, laying one slender finger against her pursed lips and stepping away from the two swordsmen as Zoro whirled by her, "I would garner a guess to say that he's rather upset Zoro is being…hit on, shall I put it."

(Brook gave a loud cheer as Zoro let loose a particularly forwards move, dodging away from Mihawk as Mihawk avoided his sword. "I taught him that," the skeleton said, beaming proudly, not noticing that no-one was paying very much attention.)

"Pass it to jealousy, Franky," Robin said upon noticing Franky's confused look, and she gently patted his arm. "Though I'm rather sure Luffy has yet to realise that it's jealousy. Perhaps this situation we find ourselves in will open his eyes, hm?"

"Uh…," Franky said, still frowning in uncertainty and watching the commotion on deck. "Yes?"

Robin patted his arm again, and went to go find a safe place for her to read her book – perhaps the crow's nest, where she could watch the fight from relative safety if she chose.

Considering the obliviousness of both captain and swordsman, she'd wager a guess and say that Mihawk's intentions in coming here would likely only end in his failure, and while it would be amusing to watch him try, she'd rather not get accidently impaled because of a stray sword stroke. The crow's nest was always a very helpful place when watching drama unfold.

Hopefully they'd all figure out each other's intentions quickly enough, or at least _one _of them would. She was rather keen to see it all unfold…

(Even if she did have her bets placed on their captain and first mate rather than the swordsman.)


End file.
